It's Like Reading this Review

I received a lot of presents this Christmas that genuinely surprised me. This... wasn't one of them. See, I may - just possibly may - have mentioned to my wife that I wanted this.

And that it was in stock at Midtown Comics. And I might have mentioned that it was going for something like $18, not a steal, but certainly less than I paid for the nearly identical Wreck-Gar figure I bought earlier this year.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that transcendentalism is due for a comeback in today's consumer-friendly climate of philosophical speculation. Well, that's an incredibly stupid thought to be having, and you should be ashamed for allowing your attention to wander so far off subject.

A better question - the one you should have been asking - is why I wanted Junkheap when I already have a nearly identical figure.

No, no: I take it back. That's a dumb question, too.

Here's the thing some of you kids today might not know: the pinnacle of human civilization was reached in 1986 during the release of the only Transformers movie that matters, in the midst of an epic battle sequence on the planet Jun, when an army of Junkions attacked the Autobots (due to a misunderstanding, of course), all to the soundtrack of Weird Al Yankovic's "Dare to be Stupid." Everyone who was paying attention back then knows this to be true; we just usually don't say anything because we want to leave future generations with the false illusion they might be able to offer something of value and importance.

Those Junkions attacked mounted on motorcycles. When they were knocked off, the robots turned into motorcycles and their cycles turned into robots, and it all started over again.

As you can imagine, just having Wreck-Gar, leader of the Junkions, isn't enough: you need a second Junkion to remain in vehicle mode as his ride. It's only logical.

As you can see, Junkheap's vehicle mode is pretty awesome. Sure, it's exactly the same as Wreck-Gar's, but that's as it should be. Plus, new paint.

Let's check out Junkheap's robot mode:

Actually, you know what? Let's not. See, I learned with Wreck-Gar that transforming these guys takes effort. Like, serious effort. And I ultimately want to display this guy in vehicle mode, anyway. Besides, the only difference between this and Wreck-Gar (other than the paint and decals) is his head. And, fortunately, I don't have to transform him to get a look at that:

That's a damn fine mustache right there.

Before I wrap this up, I should probably mention this is a good time to pick up Wreck-Gar himself: I've seen him going for $8 at a couple different bargain shops in town. Keep your eyes open, and you're liable to snag one without dropping three times that much.

As for me, I'm sorry I'm out that money, but at the same time I'm proud I dared to be stupid. Frankly, the money's nothing compared to the joy I'm getting out of this. Because I've been waiting twenty-five years for this:

And to think some suckers devote their lives to faith or science.